I read a fascinating article yesterday. To me, at least, because it helps me to match a solution to a problem I've been having. Today is the first day I have done it and it makes a huge difference!
The article was about a lady who deals with depression in her life. It's not something that she feels will ever go away, but that she has learned to cope with. Every evening she makes a checklist of the things that she needs to do the following day, in order of importance. When she wakes in the morning, she has a routine to follow and a list to refer to, in order to keep her going. By having a list, she feels like she is being productive, even just to see an item crossed off as 'done' gives her satisfaction and keeps her from spending the day wallowing away, accomplishing nothing.
Now I wouldn't say that I am depressed, but I've definitely been in a 'funk' ever since Evie was born. I also went through this with Jane, so I think I may suffer somewhat from postpartum depression, but not severe. If I were to describe my state, I'd say that I feel lazy, helpless, unimportant, uninspired, hopeless. My days are 'wasted' away doing menial things like breastfeeding and watching tv shows, spending time on social media, changing diapers, playing with Jane, doing laundry or cleaning. I realize that I've just described the life of every single stay at home mom. But this is my first time actually doing it. With Jane, I went back to work when she was 4 weeks old. And although I never worked full time, I worked for a few hours a day, for at least a few days a week, and it was enough to keep the feeling of uselessness at bay. Now I don't mean to say that being at home is useless. Of course this is far from my belief, I know that moms at home are the best place they can be, because the ultimate goal is to raise our children up to be good adults, and there is no gift more precious than time with our child who will grow up much too quickly. But honestly, it is easy to forget that, day after day of doing the same old tedious tasks.... cleaning up the floor for the third time, changing another spit up on outfit, taking out the trash, giving another bath, reading yet another story, dealing with another tantrum, waiting for naptime to take a shower or even get dressed let alone do my hair. Even writing it out is tedious.
Work brings satisfaction because I can see (almost) immediate results. I am not a patient woman, I like to see things happen. Raising children is so hard because you don't get to see results right away, and when you do, it is subtle, almost unnoticeable. For example, I have seen the result of potty training. But I still don't feel totally safe, like any day she could regress (again). And it took us months and months to get here. Every day I struggle to get her to eat healthy foods, to clean up after herself, to let me do her hair even, to quit whining, to stop smothering her baby sister. I feel like she's not hearing me and I'm not making an effect, and yet I know deep down that it will eventually. All I can do is repeat myself over and over and over and hope for the day that maybe it will sink in.
"God is in the details." I've always loved this quote because it can apply to so many things. So back to this idea of a checklist. I spend too many days without a plan, then even my long-term goals get set on the back burner, because even those take small steps. Such as, family prayer, so they have faith (we always do nighttime prayers at least!). Dinner together as a family so they have a chance to talk and share with us for great relationships (living with folks this is nearly impossible, just because there isn't even a space for us to all sit together). Making healthy meals, so they grow up strong and have good eating habits (I let this slip most days because I just don't enjoy cooking at all). Teaching them to clean up their messes, and other places too, so they have good work ethic (I end up doing all of this haphazardly because it's just easier, and once again, this is difficult while living with parents). Spending time playing with them so we learn how to have fun together. In order to have success with these things, I must plan them into each and every day.
So, my new plan looks like this so far. Morning: For me, time to work, clean, or run errands. Jane has an activity that doesn't require too much of me and on some days allows me to get things done: Mondays, a playdate. Tuesday, Discovery Place Kids or park. Wednesday: Preschool. Thursday: Dance. Friday: Preschool. She has an hour of quiet time or nap time, from 2-3pm. (which is my chance to work again) I then spend at least one hour of dedicated play time with her, from 3-4 pm. Then from 4-5pm try to do something educational, puzzles, games, art, crafts, etc. 5pm TV time for her, make dinner time for me. 6pm is dinner (NO TV!). 7-8pm is bathtime, clean room, brush teeth, etc etc for bedtime. Jane goes down at 8, Evie around 9. Then I clean up the house, do laundry, etc.
That's a general outline for every day. But I'm still going to write down specific tasks that need to be accomplished each day because that's where I can start crossing things off and feeling better about what I'm doing to keep the depressive attitude at bay. I'm already loving the fact that I crossed a few items off my list today. I didn't have 'blog' on my list, but it will feel good to add it after the fact and cross that off too.
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