I read a fascinating article yesterday. To me, at least, because it helps me to match a solution to a problem I've been having. Today is the first day I have done it and it makes a huge difference!
The article was about a lady who deals with depression in her life. It's not something that she feels will ever go away, but that she has learned to cope with. Every evening she makes a checklist of the things that she needs to do the following day, in order of importance. When she wakes in the morning, she has a routine to follow and a list to refer to, in order to keep her going. By having a list, she feels like she is being productive, even just to see an item crossed off as 'done' gives her satisfaction and keeps her from spending the day wallowing away, accomplishing nothing.
Now I wouldn't say that I am depressed, but I've definitely been in a 'funk' ever since Evie was born. I also went through this with Jane, so I think I may suffer somewhat from postpartum depression, but not severe. If I were to describe my state, I'd say that I feel lazy, helpless, unimportant, uninspired, hopeless. My days are 'wasted' away doing menial things like breastfeeding and watching tv shows, spending time on social media, changing diapers, playing with Jane, doing laundry or cleaning. I realize that I've just described the life of every single stay at home mom. But this is my first time actually doing it. With Jane, I went back to work when she was 4 weeks old. And although I never worked full time, I worked for a few hours a day, for at least a few days a week, and it was enough to keep the feeling of uselessness at bay. Now I don't mean to say that being at home is useless. Of course this is far from my belief, I know that moms at home are the best place they can be, because the ultimate goal is to raise our children up to be good adults, and there is no gift more precious than time with our child who will grow up much too quickly. But honestly, it is easy to forget that, day after day of doing the same old tedious tasks.... cleaning up the floor for the third time, changing another spit up on outfit, taking out the trash, giving another bath, reading yet another story, dealing with another tantrum, waiting for naptime to take a shower or even get dressed let alone do my hair. Even writing it out is tedious.
Work brings satisfaction because I can see (almost) immediate results. I am not a patient woman, I like to see things happen. Raising children is so hard because you don't get to see results right away, and when you do, it is subtle, almost unnoticeable. For example, I have seen the result of potty training. But I still don't feel totally safe, like any day she could regress (again). And it took us months and months to get here. Every day I struggle to get her to eat healthy foods, to clean up after herself, to let me do her hair even, to quit whining, to stop smothering her baby sister. I feel like she's not hearing me and I'm not making an effect, and yet I know deep down that it will eventually. All I can do is repeat myself over and over and over and hope for the day that maybe it will sink in.
"God is in the details." I've always loved this quote because it can apply to so many things. So back to this idea of a checklist. I spend too many days without a plan, then even my long-term goals get set on the back burner, because even those take small steps. Such as, family prayer, so they have faith (we always do nighttime prayers at least!). Dinner together as a family so they have a chance to talk and share with us for great relationships (living with folks this is nearly impossible, just because there isn't even a space for us to all sit together). Making healthy meals, so they grow up strong and have good eating habits (I let this slip most days because I just don't enjoy cooking at all). Teaching them to clean up their messes, and other places too, so they have good work ethic (I end up doing all of this haphazardly because it's just easier, and once again, this is difficult while living with parents). Spending time playing with them so we learn how to have fun together. In order to have success with these things, I must plan them into each and every day.
So, my new plan looks like this so far. Morning: For me, time to work, clean, or run errands. Jane has an activity that doesn't require too much of me and on some days allows me to get things done: Mondays, a playdate. Tuesday, Discovery Place Kids or park. Wednesday: Preschool. Thursday: Dance. Friday: Preschool. She has an hour of quiet time or nap time, from 2-3pm. (which is my chance to work again) I then spend at least one hour of dedicated play time with her, from 3-4 pm. Then from 4-5pm try to do something educational, puzzles, games, art, crafts, etc. 5pm TV time for her, make dinner time for me. 6pm is dinner (NO TV!). 7-8pm is bathtime, clean room, brush teeth, etc etc for bedtime. Jane goes down at 8, Evie around 9. Then I clean up the house, do laundry, etc.
That's a general outline for every day. But I'm still going to write down specific tasks that need to be accomplished each day because that's where I can start crossing things off and feeling better about what I'm doing to keep the depressive attitude at bay. I'm already loving the fact that I crossed a few items off my list today. I didn't have 'blog' on my list, but it will feel good to add it after the fact and cross that off too.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Trip to Philly 2015
I put the year on here because I have big intentions on going back to Philadelphia while the girls are school age. There are good historical sites and museums to see up there. Plus I'd love to do other parts of the state, such as Hershey, Lancaster.
But, this trip was off the cuff, meant to pick up a vehicle for my grandma Lael. It is a van that will hopefully allow her to get out of the house a bit. So, I grabbed Jeff and the girls and we all drove up together without much incident, although sometimes I really wish that I was driving the car and not being the mommy in the back seat. Unfortunately, I can care for them better than Jeff and we both know it, so I do it, but in some ways I resent it and I wish I could just sit in the drivers seat without the fuss. We actually stopped in Baltimore on the way up because it just got too late. First stop in the morning on Saturday was to the dealership, then we found a hotel and checked in, then made our way to see the Liberty Bell and visitors museum. The building where the bell is housed was closed for renovations so maybe next time we will see it up close instead of through an exterior window. We saw the footprint of the first presidential residence, and made some flat souvenir pennies, that's our new thing. It was COLD outside. For dinner, we went to famous Jim's Steaks. They were good, but honestly, I thought that the cheese steak place we used to have here in Cornelius was better.
On Sunday we made our way to the aquarium. If yesterday was cold, today was worse. Even the short walk from the parking lot to the front door had my face burning with the cold winds, and Jane sobbing the whole way, even in the stroller. Evie was all bundled up tight in her seat with a cover. The coolest thing about this aquarium was the hippo exhibit. And they came up close. We could see them both above and below the water. I've seen hippos at the zoo but only above the water so that was neat. Then we saw sharks. At first Jane was afraid to go in, so we covered her head with a blanket, but she peeked of course and eventually didn't mind the sharks and actually found them interesting and would point out when a big one was coming our way or overhead. After seeing more fish, sharks, manta rays, sting rays, jellyfish, crabs, long-neck turtles, and frogs, and especially after playing on the kid area zones, we made our way to a mega Target on the way home, to look for swimsuits. The Target was kinda cool with the glass facade and elevators/escalators, but inside it was much the same as any other Target. Jane and I found suits, Jeff will just use his gym shorts. Nice to be a guy in situations like that. Jane loved the pool and it was Evie's first time in water other than a bathtub. She seemed to like it too! We spent a good amount of time swimming, Jeff playing with Jane, me holding Evie, and Jeff mentioned that this is the year we should sign up Jane for swim lessons. I agree. Since I didn't want to go out in that cold again, Jeff went out to bring us back hot soup and bread from Panera. Heavenly broccoli cheddar soup. And a cheese pastry. Yum.
Monday was just part of an extended trip, because it was President's Day and I saw that Valley Forge had a special celebration for George Washington's birthday. There wasn't any school on Monday for Jeff so I convinced him to stay on. So glad we did. It was fun to see President Washington and his wife Martha all dressed up for the occasion, we made hats and cards and ate cake. Then we booked it out of there because we knew the day that awaited us....
The rest of Monday was the caravan home. I underestimated what we could do, especially with me being alone in one vehicle with the girls, and no way to comfort Evie when she was crying. Snowstorm "Octavia" hit that day, and we drove to about 6:30pm, near the West Virginia/ Virginia border on 81 before I decided it wasn't going to happen today and we had to stop. The driving conditions were bad and Evie was once again screaming in the backseat. We stayed at a Courtyard, had McDonalds for dinner and I went to swim with Jane some more. The following day the trip was much smoother, we didn't leave until Evie was asleep, then stopped when she was awake to eat lunch, and I refused to leave again til she was asleep. I guess with babies you can't have a time frame for road travel unless you want to lose your mind.
Overall, a great trip. There were sights along the way that looked fun. A natural bridge outside of Roanoke, Virginia. Luray Caverns also in Virginia. Dutch Wonderland, I believe that was near Lancaster area. The small town of Carlisle, PA was adorable. I just wanted to snap photos of all the cute old buildings. I told myself I'd come home and jot all these places down for our next trip up here. I'd probably make it a long trip and try to see sites in Washington DC, Monticello, Mount Vernon, Gettysburg. Heck, we might as well keep driving up to NYC and experience that too. But not for a toddler and a baby. That will be a fun trip for another day!
But, this trip was off the cuff, meant to pick up a vehicle for my grandma Lael. It is a van that will hopefully allow her to get out of the house a bit. So, I grabbed Jeff and the girls and we all drove up together without much incident, although sometimes I really wish that I was driving the car and not being the mommy in the back seat. Unfortunately, I can care for them better than Jeff and we both know it, so I do it, but in some ways I resent it and I wish I could just sit in the drivers seat without the fuss. We actually stopped in Baltimore on the way up because it just got too late. First stop in the morning on Saturday was to the dealership, then we found a hotel and checked in, then made our way to see the Liberty Bell and visitors museum. The building where the bell is housed was closed for renovations so maybe next time we will see it up close instead of through an exterior window. We saw the footprint of the first presidential residence, and made some flat souvenir pennies, that's our new thing. It was COLD outside. For dinner, we went to famous Jim's Steaks. They were good, but honestly, I thought that the cheese steak place we used to have here in Cornelius was better.
On Sunday we made our way to the aquarium. If yesterday was cold, today was worse. Even the short walk from the parking lot to the front door had my face burning with the cold winds, and Jane sobbing the whole way, even in the stroller. Evie was all bundled up tight in her seat with a cover. The coolest thing about this aquarium was the hippo exhibit. And they came up close. We could see them both above and below the water. I've seen hippos at the zoo but only above the water so that was neat. Then we saw sharks. At first Jane was afraid to go in, so we covered her head with a blanket, but she peeked of course and eventually didn't mind the sharks and actually found them interesting and would point out when a big one was coming our way or overhead. After seeing more fish, sharks, manta rays, sting rays, jellyfish, crabs, long-neck turtles, and frogs, and especially after playing on the kid area zones, we made our way to a mega Target on the way home, to look for swimsuits. The Target was kinda cool with the glass facade and elevators/escalators, but inside it was much the same as any other Target. Jane and I found suits, Jeff will just use his gym shorts. Nice to be a guy in situations like that. Jane loved the pool and it was Evie's first time in water other than a bathtub. She seemed to like it too! We spent a good amount of time swimming, Jeff playing with Jane, me holding Evie, and Jeff mentioned that this is the year we should sign up Jane for swim lessons. I agree. Since I didn't want to go out in that cold again, Jeff went out to bring us back hot soup and bread from Panera. Heavenly broccoli cheddar soup. And a cheese pastry. Yum.
Monday was just part of an extended trip, because it was President's Day and I saw that Valley Forge had a special celebration for George Washington's birthday. There wasn't any school on Monday for Jeff so I convinced him to stay on. So glad we did. It was fun to see President Washington and his wife Martha all dressed up for the occasion, we made hats and cards and ate cake. Then we booked it out of there because we knew the day that awaited us....
The rest of Monday was the caravan home. I underestimated what we could do, especially with me being alone in one vehicle with the girls, and no way to comfort Evie when she was crying. Snowstorm "Octavia" hit that day, and we drove to about 6:30pm, near the West Virginia/ Virginia border on 81 before I decided it wasn't going to happen today and we had to stop. The driving conditions were bad and Evie was once again screaming in the backseat. We stayed at a Courtyard, had McDonalds for dinner and I went to swim with Jane some more. The following day the trip was much smoother, we didn't leave until Evie was asleep, then stopped when she was awake to eat lunch, and I refused to leave again til she was asleep. I guess with babies you can't have a time frame for road travel unless you want to lose your mind.
Overall, a great trip. There were sights along the way that looked fun. A natural bridge outside of Roanoke, Virginia. Luray Caverns also in Virginia. Dutch Wonderland, I believe that was near Lancaster area. The small town of Carlisle, PA was adorable. I just wanted to snap photos of all the cute old buildings. I told myself I'd come home and jot all these places down for our next trip up here. I'd probably make it a long trip and try to see sites in Washington DC, Monticello, Mount Vernon, Gettysburg. Heck, we might as well keep driving up to NYC and experience that too. But not for a toddler and a baby. That will be a fun trip for another day!
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