It's Moving Time!

In February this year, my architect benefactor friend informed me that he no longer wanted to keep the office space he had rented and allowed me to keep my showroom there.  I don't blame him, his work was keeping only himself busy, and I have not been much interested in work of any kind whatsoever for the past several months.  I do love what I do, but I also feel this pull to be at home instead.  So I did do cabinetry related work, but as little as I could get away with.

But the office thing did lead to a long internal deliberation as to what I should do and how to get there.  I knew I couldn't afford the office space on my own, or even if I could, if it was an office space I was willing to pay for (awkward triangular space and too much square footage).  I started to look for spaces but not too hard, because the costs are prohibitive!  My car broke down and needed extensive repairs, so I didn't have a car most days to just go around looking.  I am still half-heartedly looking for a space for my cabinetry display.  But here was the dilemma; I don't make very much money doing cabinetry, I could, but I don't, because I choose to spend more time at home.  So rent was going to eat up any potential profit I might have had, and I would need to look at expanding my volume somehow.  My income isn't much but it is necessary to pay for our current standard of living (my income buys groceries, clothing, outings, medical expenses, and extras).  That's a pickle to be in; can't afford to work, can't afford not to.  To add to the situation, I found out in February that I was pregnant (due in mid-October).  What will having a new baby do to my desire to keep up a part time job with the added stress of being the owner?  I can only think that I want to give up my work and concentrate on family life.  But another part of me is saying, don't give it up, you've worked so hard to get to this point and you've got a good thing going with some of these builders.  Besides, this may not be an option for me.  Extra money is not just for luxuries, it is for the basics, and we need the income even in this small little house and for the cheap food we eat and the cheap clothes we wear and the paid-in-full vehicles we drive, and health insurance (which we only picked up recently).  Besides that, how are we going to manage to pay off the hospital bills for this new baby?  So a lot of fears, and a lot of uncertainties with what the future holds.  But I almost feel as if I am an expert at this now, because we've had to deal with it in the past when Jeff and I both lost our jobs in the same year, in the same hard-hit design industry.  I figured; we lived with my parents then, and we pulled through.  It's time to do that again.  Not only to move out temporarily, but for good.  The house we have now is wonderful in many ways, and I don't yet feel cramped.  We finally got it to a point where I feel the rooms are decorated and finished nicely.  But the appeal of a larger open living space, for my family AND a showroom (I sell cabinets so why not deck out the new house in cabinets?)  and saving the potential money on commercial office rent won me over.  There are other reasons to move.  Even if I decide not to work, Jeff needs to be closer to where he works (right now in South Charlotte but hopefully soon in Huntersville).  I would like to be closer to Mom so I'm not shuttling Jane all over the place, wasting a lot of time going back and forth from Cornelius.  Jane is old enough that I've started to envision what kind of backyard space will be best for her... I'd love a wooded lot with natural shaded play space, and spots to explore and imagine.  I'd love to be able to raise some chickens.  Be a little more secluded from neighbors (not asking much, just a little privacy in my own backyard).  Space for a puppy to run around.  Closer to 77, and closer to the places we eat, shop, and play.  Jeff's parents visited and offered to help us out financially to get us into a better home.  So everything considered, we feel it is time to move on, but don't know where or how we will afford it yet.  With Jeff's new job starting soon, he has some potential to make more money.  The baby will be here in October.  We are going to move out, but keep our original plan of keeping the house and renting it out to prepare for our own retirement.  We will live with my parents until the baby comes, and not make any huge decisions until our lives have a chance to play themselves out this coming year.  Plus, I am hoping to help mom clean up their home while we live there.  I was unsuccessful with this the last time we lived there, but I am hoping it will be a win-win situation for all involved, including Jane and the new baby, because Nana will be there to help me make the transition from one to two.

A Tribute to Nana

Well, it having been Mother's Day and all, I feel that it is only appropriate for me to take some time to reflect on my own mother.  She continues to be a fill-in mom on a regular basis for my own daughter, doing things with her at this young age that I don't remember myself but I'm sure she did with me too, but maybe even better, because people tend to get better with experience and age.  The first photo is one of Jane at Woodland Discovery on Poplar Tent Road, where Nana takes her often for preschool days.  She was running around barefoot and picking flowers, and playing with fairy dolls that some other children had brought.  On other days, I understand she walks around like she owns the place, knowing where everything is and directing other children.  One day recently, Nana brought out worms to look at.  That isn't a look of disgust, it's a look of extreme joy, she squealed and laughed with delight at the sight of it.  She held a garden snake the very same day without any fear.  I hope she stays confident around creatures and nature (and always respectful of it).  I think the key to that will be through my mother.

My mom was always coming up with activities for us to do as kids, she hated to see us idle.  We weren't allowed to be bored.... if we complained, we got a chore.  We roamed around outside in the backyard in bare feet or muddy socks, collecting frogs and lizards and snakes (Florida).  We spent so much time at the pool and weekends at the beach.  Inside, we always had plenty of toys to play with.  One of our favorites were the brick-paper wrapped Capri Sun boxes that we used to build life-sized forts.  Mom had seen some in a catalog then decided to make them herself rather than spend the money.  We had Capri Suns almost every day in our lunch boxes so why not?  I remember our lunches usually consisted of a sandwich, oatmeal cream pie, applesauce, and crackers.  We had lots of books around to read.  My mom encouraged reading.

She also came up with many trips to take as a family, or minus my dad, during the summers.  Mostly roadtrips.  I remember traveling across the country to visit my grandparents with all of us in the back of the van.  We'd fight over who got to lay across the cooler by the sliding van door, and who got to pick the next movie (which at that time was a tv/vcr combo box strapped to the arms between the driver seat and the passenger seat, rather bulky by today's standards).  When I was eight, I got to fly to grandma and grandpa's all by myself (with escort service).  This is something I'd like to do for my own kids when they are about that age.  Her family was important to her even though they lived far away and our relationships with our grandparents were as good as they could be considering we lived all the way across the country.  Mom also had a homemade "Family Game' with the names and photos of all our aunts, uncles, cousins, and I remember pulling them out often when I was young.  Sometimes mom would quiz us, and sometimes before arriving at a family event with cousins we hadn't seen in awhile, she'd remind us all of their names and ages before we got there.  We did inexpensive things; national parks and museums over tourist attractions or theme parks.  That cooler I mentioned would be stocked up with items from the grocery store so we wouldn't have to eat fast food.  Mom rarely took us to fast food places, and even rarer still would we get a Kid's Meal with a toy.  Instead, we'd all share the super-sized items.  I think frugality was a way for us to be able to take the family trips.

My mom was frugal in other ways too.  She made our Halloween costumes, I never had one bought from the store.  Our clothes were hand-me downs.  Our shoes were not name brand, and they would be worn through before we got another pair.  She cut all of our hair.  She clipped coupons.  Piles and piles of coupons.  Some days she'd get us to help her sort them into piles, or cut them out.  She also helped as coordinator with Boxtops for Education for our elementary schools, so she'd always have stacks of those for us to count into groups of 100, then rubber band.  At the same time, she was generous with what she had.  Once I remember a lady and her baby stayed in our home for a few months in exchange for help around the house.  I don't fully remember the situation, names or circumstances, but to me it seemed that Mom and Dad were trying to help her out.  We also had an exchange student from Japan? I think it was.  She had brought me a cool little embroidered money purse that I cherished for awhile as a kid.  I lost it in the school lunch trash along with $21 cash in it.  My mom took me back to the school and let me dig through the dumpster looking for it because I was so upset.  That was more money than I'd ever had in my life!  Stupid enough to carry it around with me at school then leave it on my lunch tray.

A few special teaching moments stand out in my mind as a young child.  Once as an elementary school child, I had made up a cruel story with drawings of a fellow student whom no one really liked.  My mom discovered it and we had a discussion about being kind to others behind their backs.  Then she held the paper in her hand and lit it on fire.  Another time, I sneaked an apple from the kitchen to eat in my room.  It was against the home rules to eat in our bedrooms.  The guilt was so great, I slunk to her after my bedtime and showed her the apple and confessed my guilt.  She thanked me for being honest and had me return the apple.  I don't know why this moment was so crucial to me but I know that my guilt was real and that her response was better than I expected.  So glad she didn't spank me!  In Florida, I decided one day that I was going to run away.  I packed my large pink bag with slices of bread and other food, some clothes, probably toys or who knows what else, then crept out of my window with my brother Christopher watching (he was necessarily a part of my plot so the window could be shut from within and they wouldn't know that I had left).  But he snitched on me.  My parents both knew I had left.  My dad came and talked to me (the back of the van was my runaway destination of choice since it was raining).  He said he hoped I would come home.  I stubbornly stayed out there til I fell asleep and sometime in the night he carried me back inside.  When I was in the 7th grade, a boy called me on the phone and asked me to be his girlfriend.  I was terrified of the idea but said yes.  My mom had been listening on the other phone, and approached me about it.  She patiently explained to me that I was too young to date and ought to tell the boy that at school the next day.  I have to say, I had more boys interested in me in middle school than at any other time in my life, but my mom's words stuck with me and I shied away from boys for the most part, especially before I was 16, but even through high school.  I think I was a child who was overly eager to please, as the oldest, but simple lessons were all I needed.  A simple scolding was enough to make me feel ashamed of my actions for every similar incident that might arise afterwards.  Now with my brothers she had to take different methods completely, but for me, I think she did an ok job.

So much more to tell, perhaps I will take another opportunity another day, but I guess I just wanted to thank my mom for being who she was and is.  I know that she wasn't perfect but she was perfect for me.  She did things the best way she knew how and was creative and invested in us as her kids.  She taught us what was right and wrong and took us to church and kept an eye on our friends and our education.  She gave us experiences, including soccer, piano, camps, sports, dance, etc.  She would have done anything for us, and she still does to this day.  I think she accepts our shortcomings just as we accept hers, because our strengths are so much greater than our weaknesses.  I have to say, if I can raise my own daughter to be just a little bit better than I am, then I will not have done such a bad job.  With both of us on the job, perhaps we can pass a little of our gained knowledge down another generation.... and she can teach me too.

Easter and Around that Time

Jeff helped to fix my car, saving us over $1000 in repair bills although we did have to take it back in a few times to get the fixes tweaked perfectly.  Jane insisted on being out there to 'help daddy'.  I'm so glad that Jeff is handy and can usually figure things like this out.  I mean it's a SAAB, this car is finicky to work on.

The week before Easter I had the chance to take Jane to Mooresville's Eggstravaganza.  (Jeff was working albeit a Saturday). They had bouncy houses and structures that she especially loved.  Her favorite thing of the whole event was a train ride on a little mini train that we waited forever to ride on.  She waived to the waiting line as we pulled back in like a crowned pageant queen.  We had cotton candy, which was fun because she didn't want to eat it at first.  But once she got a taste... mmm, not bad.  She did participate in the 1-3 age group Easter egg hunt, but I won't willingly seek out another opportunity like that again.  It was madness with parents doing most of the snatching.  Poor girl had parents swooping out eggs from under her.  Although she managed to get a few, I feel like the fun should be in the hunt, so after complaining about it a bit publicly, a friend suggested that we throw a hunt for a group of families that we know and put a limit on eggs.  Worked like a charm.  There was plenty of room for the kids to run without getting trampled and Jane was able to go and search for her own eggs.  It was SO much better and honestly less stressful for me.

The Pack grandparents were in town for Easter weekend.  We mostly stayed at home and took it easy, letting Jane get her fill of attention and one-on-one playing time.  I know she sure enjoyed having the focus on her at all times.  But she was overall very well behaved.  We got some great family shots (not only these but from a photographer as well) because she was in the mood for playing, hugging, and kissing.

And finally, I can't miss that Jeff's birthday was a family day, fortunately with him being home from work all day.  He's been working SO much lately we hardly see him, but Jane less than I do.  We went on a family walk, Jeff and I went to see the second Captain America film while a family friend had Jane over to play, and then we gave him a few gifts and Jane helped him blow out the candles on his cake.  She gets excited about birthdays and cake.  Then the two of us slipped away again, leaving Jane at Stella's house, to have dinner for two.  Happy Birthday Jeff!  (He's 35, can you believe how old we are getting?)

Happy Mother's Day 2014

Last weekend I was honored to spend time for the first ever Pack girls' weekend, in Arvada.  All of the daughters and daughter-in-laws were invited by my mother in law, Shelley, to spend the weekend and attend the Arvada Stake Relief Society conference, which as Stake Relief Society President, she had organized. It was so wonderful to spend the time with my family, with sisters that I waited all these years to have.  I learned so much by being with them; I admire them all so much in different ways; I hope to pick up their best attributes (and their fantastic cooking skills!)

Shelley pulled together several speakers, a fantastic lunch.  This was my second ever weekend away from Jane, but the first ever was anything but relaxing as that was the weekend for my grandpa's funeral.  It had been a whirlwind trip with me sick and no time to sleep!  So this weekend was nice to have time to myself for the first time in over two years.  I went to a few different workshops, but perhaps my favorite of the weekend was the class on "Raising Independent Children".  In fact, it was a class that could apply to anyone, the presenter was so awesome, wish I could insert his name but I don't remember it.  He spoke about the role of past, present, and future in our lives, and how most people live with past regrets and/or future worries, so much so that they allow the past and the future to push out the now, and often try to escape through different things, maybe social media, sleep, tv, video games, 'timeless' activities.  But NOW is the gift that Christ has promised us.  He has promised to cover our past faults, and has also said that we should 'take no thought for the morrow', we are as 'the lilies of the field.'  He will build us mansions in heaven.  He essentially has taken our past and our future into his hands through the Atonement.  That leaves us with much more now to take advantage of.  My mind is so enlightened by this whole concept.  These are things I know about the Atonement, but as applied to my here and now it gives me a better perspective on how I should be spending my time TODAY.  I can't control the past or the future, but I can control and enjoy every moment now.  Childhood is something that disappears all too quickly, so I must savor each moment, even the hard ones, to take them as teaching moments instead of something to escape.  If I am escaping into 'timeless' activities then time will be gone in a blink.  I also loved how he talked about 'spilt milk'.  If we freak out over little accidents like spilt milk, then how do we expect our children to approach us about a bad decision they've made?  The choices will only get harder and we need that open line of communication with our children and they must know that we love them unconditionally, them, not their 'potential.'  CTR (Choose the Right) is just as important as RTC (Right the Choice).  When we've made a good choice, "Great, what did I learn?" And when we've made a bad decision, "Great, what can I learn?"  We are ultimately mentors and teachers to our children, NOT disciplinarians.  I think that is such a great distinction to make.  I hope that I can be that kind of mom.

I also learned about depression, and being happy during hard times.  I was also impressed by the main speaker, who told about the importance of using the scriptures when teaching our children or anyone else.  Even being able to pick up the scriptures to answer basic questions.

So living in the NOW is my goal for the future.  To not be so consumed by future-thinking, which as a procrastinator is my habit;).  That being said, I am enjoying this Mother's Day by going through a mass of photos and videos unorganized from last year, and watching them, looking through them.  The photos of my Jane make me smile and laugh.  I have loved my own past, especially the past two and a half years.  I can honestly say that I have no regrets, I have let the Savior take over anything negative there 100%.  I am guilty of looking forward and perhaps worrying too much, or delaying too much.  Jane has just woken up from her nap so I'm going to leave this here and post my favorite photo from Easter Sunday, a weekend I'd love to write about soon (need to play catch up), but I can do that while she's asleep.  Time to sign off and go live in the NOW.