Make a Checklist

I read a fascinating article yesterday.  To me, at least, because it helps me to match a solution to a problem I've been having.  Today is the first day I have done it and it makes a huge difference!

The article was about a lady who deals with depression in her life.  It's not something that she feels will ever go away, but that she has learned to cope with.  Every evening she makes a checklist of the things that she needs to do the following day, in order of importance.  When she wakes in the morning, she has a routine to follow and a list to refer to, in order to keep her going.  By having a list, she feels like she is being productive, even just to see an item crossed off as 'done' gives her satisfaction and keeps her from spending the day wallowing away, accomplishing nothing.

Now I wouldn't say that I am depressed, but I've definitely been in a 'funk' ever since Evie was born.  I also went through this with Jane, so I think I may suffer somewhat from postpartum depression, but not severe.  If I were to describe my state, I'd say that I feel lazy, helpless, unimportant, uninspired, hopeless.  My days are 'wasted' away doing menial things like breastfeeding and watching tv shows, spending time on social media, changing diapers, playing with Jane, doing laundry or cleaning.  I realize that I've just described the life of every single stay at home mom.  But this is my first time actually doing it.  With Jane, I went back to work when she was 4 weeks old.  And although I never worked full time, I worked for a few hours a day, for at least a few days a week, and it was enough to keep the feeling of uselessness at bay.  Now I don't mean to say that being at home is useless.  Of course this is far from my belief, I know that moms at home are the best place they can be, because the ultimate goal is to raise our children up to be good adults, and there is no gift more precious than time with our child who will grow up much too quickly.  But honestly, it is easy to forget that, day after day of doing the same old tedious tasks.... cleaning up the floor for the third time, changing another spit up on outfit, taking out the trash, giving another bath, reading yet another story, dealing with another tantrum, waiting for naptime to take a shower or even get dressed let alone do my hair. Even writing it out is tedious.

Work brings satisfaction because I can see (almost) immediate results.  I am not a patient woman, I like to see things happen.  Raising children is so hard because you don't get to see results right away, and when you do, it is subtle, almost unnoticeable.  For example, I have seen the result of potty training.  But I still don't feel totally safe, like any day she could regress (again).  And it took us months and months to get here.  Every day I struggle to get her to eat healthy foods, to clean up after herself, to let me do her hair even, to quit whining, to stop smothering her baby sister.  I feel like she's not hearing me and I'm not making an effect, and yet I know deep down that it will eventually.  All I can do is repeat myself over and over and over and hope for the day that maybe it will sink in.

"God is in the details."  I've always loved this quote because it can apply to so many things.  So back to this idea of a checklist.  I spend too many days without a plan, then even my long-term goals get set on the back burner, because even those take small steps.  Such as, family prayer, so they have faith (we always do nighttime prayers at least!).  Dinner together as a family so they have a chance to talk and share with us for great relationships (living with folks this is nearly impossible, just because there isn't even a space for us to all sit together).  Making healthy meals, so they grow up strong and have good eating habits (I let this slip most days because I just don't enjoy cooking at all). Teaching them to clean up their messes, and other places too, so they have good work ethic (I end up doing all of this haphazardly because it's just easier, and once again, this is difficult while living with parents).  Spending time playing with them so we learn how to have fun together.  In order to have success with these things, I must plan them into each and every day.

So, my new plan looks like this so far.  Morning:  For me, time to work, clean, or run errands.  Jane has an activity that doesn't require too much of me and on some days allows me to get things done: Mondays, a playdate.  Tuesday, Discovery Place Kids or park.  Wednesday: Preschool.  Thursday: Dance.  Friday: Preschool.  She has an hour of quiet time or nap time, from 2-3pm.  (which is my chance to work again)  I then spend at least one hour of dedicated play time with her, from 3-4 pm.  Then from 4-5pm try to do something educational, puzzles, games, art, crafts, etc.  5pm TV time for her, make dinner time for me.  6pm is dinner (NO TV!).  7-8pm is bathtime, clean room, brush teeth, etc etc for bedtime.  Jane goes down at 8, Evie around 9.  Then I clean up the house, do laundry, etc.

That's a general outline for every day.  But I'm still going to write down specific tasks that need to be accomplished each day because that's where I can start crossing things off and feeling better about what I'm doing to keep the depressive attitude at bay.  I'm already loving the fact that I crossed a few items off my list today.  I didn't have 'blog' on my list, but it will feel good to add it after the fact and cross that off too.

Trip to Philly 2015

I put the year on here because I have big intentions on going back to Philadelphia while the girls are school age.  There are good historical sites and museums to see up there.  Plus I'd love to do other parts of the state, such as Hershey, Lancaster.

But, this trip was off the cuff, meant to pick up a vehicle for my grandma Lael.  It is a van that will hopefully allow her to get out of the house a bit.  So, I grabbed Jeff and the girls and we all drove up together without much incident, although sometimes I really wish that I was driving the car and not being the mommy in the back seat.  Unfortunately, I can care for them better than Jeff and we both know it, so I do it, but in some ways I resent it and I wish I could just sit in the drivers seat without the fuss.  We actually stopped in Baltimore on the way up because it just got too late.  First stop in the morning on Saturday was to the dealership, then we found a hotel and checked in, then made our way to see the Liberty Bell and visitors museum.  The building where the bell is housed was closed for renovations so maybe next time we will see it up close instead of through an exterior window.  We saw the footprint of the first presidential residence, and made some flat souvenir pennies, that's our new thing.  It was COLD outside.  For dinner, we went to famous Jim's Steaks.  They were good, but honestly, I thought that the cheese steak place we used to have here in Cornelius was better.

On Sunday we made our way to the aquarium.  If yesterday was cold, today was worse.  Even the short walk from the parking lot to the front door had my face burning with the cold winds, and Jane sobbing the whole way, even in the stroller.  Evie was all bundled up tight in her seat with a cover.  The coolest thing about this aquarium was the hippo exhibit.  And they came up close.  We could see them both above and below the water.  I've seen hippos at the zoo but only above the water so that was neat.  Then we saw sharks.  At first Jane was afraid to go in, so we covered her head with a blanket, but she peeked of course and eventually didn't mind the sharks and actually found them interesting and would point out when a big one was coming our way or overhead.  After seeing more fish, sharks, manta rays, sting rays, jellyfish, crabs, long-neck turtles, and frogs, and especially after playing on the kid area zones, we made our way to a mega Target on the way home, to look for swimsuits.  The Target was kinda cool with the glass facade and elevators/escalators, but inside it was much the same as any other Target.  Jane and I found suits, Jeff will just use his gym shorts.  Nice to be a guy in situations like that.  Jane loved the pool and it was Evie's first time in water other than a bathtub.  She seemed to like it too!  We spent a good amount of time swimming, Jeff playing with Jane, me holding Evie, and Jeff mentioned that this is the year we should sign up Jane for swim lessons.  I agree.  Since I didn't want to go out in that cold again, Jeff went out to bring us back hot soup and bread from Panera.  Heavenly broccoli cheddar soup.  And a cheese pastry.  Yum.

Monday was just part of an extended trip, because it was President's Day and I saw that Valley Forge had a special celebration for George Washington's birthday.  There wasn't any school on Monday for Jeff so I convinced him to stay on.  So glad we did.  It was fun to see President Washington and his wife Martha all dressed up for the occasion, we made hats and cards and ate cake.  Then we booked it out of there because we knew the day that awaited us....

The rest of Monday was the caravan home.  I underestimated what we could do, especially with me being alone in one vehicle with the girls, and no way to comfort Evie when she was crying.  Snowstorm "Octavia" hit that day, and we drove to about 6:30pm, near the West Virginia/ Virginia border on 81 before I decided it wasn't going to happen today and we had to stop.  The driving conditions were bad and Evie was once again screaming in the backseat.  We stayed at a Courtyard, had McDonalds for dinner and I went to swim with Jane some more.  The following day the trip was much smoother, we didn't leave until Evie was asleep, then stopped when she was awake to eat lunch, and I refused to leave again til she was asleep.  I guess with babies you can't have a time frame for road travel unless you want to lose your mind.

Overall, a great trip.  There were sights along the way that looked fun.  A natural bridge outside of Roanoke, Virginia.  Luray Caverns also in Virginia.  Dutch Wonderland, I believe that was near Lancaster area.  The small town of Carlisle, PA was adorable.  I just wanted to snap photos of all the cute old buildings.  I told myself I'd come home and jot all these places down for our next trip up here.  I'd probably make it a long trip and try to see sites in Washington DC, Monticello, Mount Vernon, Gettysburg.  Heck, we might as well keep driving up to NYC and experience that too.  But not for a toddler and a baby.  That will be a fun trip for another day!

A Typical Day with my Threenager and 3-Month Baby

It is true in Jane's case that she had a terrific year two, and now a terrible year three.  When she is happy she is mostly good, so the key is getting her to sleep enough, however, this is something that she does not think she needs to do, even at night.  She's been waking up in the early morning hours and coming in to sleep on the floor in our room.  I'm putting my foot down with Jeff that we can't let it happen again, even if it means tears, because it's becoming a habit for her.  Jeff has been taking care of Jane issues at night because I take care of Evie.  Sometimes they are both up at the same time.  But Jeff also usually takes Jane downstairs before work and gets her breakfast and puts on a show.  Sometimes he doesn't do this and lets her sleep in.  I'm thinking no more sleeping in, either.  I feel like she did great as a baby on a regular routine and we've let that crumble since Evie has arrived.  And at the same time, Jane's behavior has gotten worse.  Let me give you a rundown of typical 'bad' behavior:

5am:  Jane comes into our room crying that she is a) afraid of the dark b) doesn't want to be alone c) is not tired.  Maybe once in awhile it's because she has to go potty.  But she insists that she needs to be in our bed/room.  Jeff in the past has let her into bed but invariably she kicks and rolls around, not sleeping at all and not allowing either one of us to sleep.  So he gets up and makes her a bed on the floor.  The light is on so Evie stirs.  She is happy to be on the floor but continues to kick and roll around, keeping at least one of us (me) awake all morning.

6-7am:  At the first crack of light, she wakes up and comes to the side of the bed whining that she's hungry.  Ok, well I'd feel sorry for the kid if she had in fact eaten her dinner the night before.  One of us takes her downstairs, she demands to pick her own cereal, has to have regular milk (no almond milk), with a matching bowl and spoon.  She demands to eat in front of the tv on the coffee table which actually drives me crazy but I don't feel like it's something I can control in this house.  Same with the cereal and milk she chooses.  If we had our own place, there would not be Cocoa Pebbles in the cabinet every day, and there would not be dairy milk in the fridge!

7-10 am:  I just let the tv run and try to get ready for the day and get Evie ready for the day.  Seems like a ridiculous amount of time, but if I can, I try to sleep in with her as long as she'll sleep (if Jeff has attended to Jane and not me), I like to grab a shower, check my email, have breakfast, feed Evie, make a plan for the day, etc.  It's way too much tv but it is just easier with Evie to have Jane out of my hair!

10-2pm:  We mix it up.  Some days she has preschool from 9 to 1.  Thursdays she has dance class 11-Noon.  Somedays we play princesses up in her room with Evie on my lap or nearby.  Some days we run errands.  Occasionally I've left her at home so I can go to appointments.  I've arranged several play dates with friends.  She is actually usually very pleasant and easy during mid-morning to early afternoon and doesn't demand much and whining is at a minimum.

2-3pm:  This is about the time of day where her voice changes from cute to whiny, and she starts to become 'needy', wanting me to do everything for her.  "I can't walk!"  "I can't do it!"  "I'm hungry!" (but won't eat what I offer her), "Don't talk to me like that!"  (I've used a perfectly normal voice to ask her to do something she doesn't care to do), "You're making me sad!" (again, asked her to do something undesirable, like, pick up her toys or wash her hands after using the bathroom).  She'll start ignoring directions completely and sometimes blatantly disobey them.  (Like, when I ask her not to touch Evie, she reaches out a finger to touch her).  Since we've always had a rule that happy girls stay up and grumpy girls take naps, she often straightens up her attitude long enough to get out of a nap.  On some days I insist that she sleeps because she won't listen, and that always ends in tears and sometimes kicking and screaming on her part, gritting my teeth and using forceful words with her, occasionally a spanking gets her to at least stop kicking and cry herself to sleep.  She is never spanked without two warnings.  (I count to three).

3-4pm:  On good days I get a break if Jane and Evie both go to sleep.  This is rare.  Usually I'm dealing with a cranky girl that demands to be played with and a baby that demands to be held.

4-6pm:  Honestly I don't know how we pass these hours.  I guess I'm usually trying to get things done like dishes or laundry, vacuuming, organizing, email, etc and telling Jane to go play by herself which argument seems to last two hours, so eventually I always end up upstairs playing with her.  I know this, because most days I am sitting upstairs in Jane's room, straining my ears for the sound of Jeff's car pulling up into the driveway.  He's my relief, at least I can dump ONE of the girls on him, if not both.  He probably doesn't appreciate it, but I don't care.  He's been gone all day doing useful things, with adults.  I'm exhausted from doing nothing useful.  Being a stay at home mom isn't hard, it's the tedious mundane of feeling like no progress is being made.

6pm:  This is when I look at the clock wondering if it's bedtime yet.  I also start to think about making dinner.  Most days I spend some time cleaning Jane's room or folding laundry.  I let Jeff play with the girls and get on the internet for a bit, just to surf, or answer emails, or pay some bills.

7-8pm:  Work on getting Jane to bed.  It's a process that can take up to an hour!  These days bedtime has ended in tears, from her being overtired or overdramatic.  It used to be that we could read some stories, say prayers, give hugs, and she'd happily say 'Nite Mom!' and that was that.  Now she'll cry and say she doesn't want to be alone, she's hungry, she's thirsty, any excuse to get out of bed.

9pm:  Evie goes to bed around this time and once she's in bed I collapse into my own to unwind for the day.  I never get anything done late at night after the girls are in bed because I'm too tired and my sleep is so precious to me.  Besides, I know that I'll be getting up 3-4 times during the night so I need a headstart for tomorrow!

Organizing my History

I have a few (ok, several) boxes full of unorganized memorabilia, cards, letters, photos, ticket stubs, travel brochures, etc.  I usually just toss anything that has meaning for me into a box thinking that some day I will organize it all.  To this day I haven't, and living in two rooms with most of our stuff in storage makes one want to consolidate and get rid of things!  (At least for me it does).  I think a blog is a useful tool in that I can catalogue all of these items and (to my recent discovery), can choose a publish date in the past.  So, I can go through and photograph the MOST important items, and transcribe the words of the cards, letters, allowing me to get rid of the paper clutter.  Paperless scrapbooking!  Hopefully this will be a success for me.  I imagine it will be a work in progress because there is a LOT to catch up on!  Wish me luck, I'll be doing this between feedings and naps if Evie and Jane will cooperate!

Letter to Anita

Dear Anita,

Obviously the new news over here is that we have a now one-month old.  I can't believe how the time has gone by.  In the blink of an eye and I don't  have anything to show for it except a baby girl who is alive and well and beautiful.  In other words I haven't been doing much besides nursing, putting to sleep, playing with Jane, and sleeping myself when I can fit it in.  I'm just now tiptoeing back into doing some work but my hearts not in it at all.  We are living with mom and dad now, so it makes most sense to work hard so we can pay off some debt in order to move out.  So I'm still working as best I can.  I think my spunk will return after a few months after baby.   Hard to make any life altering decisions right now with hormones raging.

I hope that you are doing ok after grandpa's passing.  I know you two were close.  I am glad that at least he has some relief from his pain like he wanted.  I hope that grandma is ok, I am trying to write her more often.  Wish we lived closer so we could visit.  I'd like to make another trip out there before Evie turns two so we only have to pay for 3 tickets.  Of course we'd love to come see you too!  I always enjoy Frank's meals:).  I also hope that you are enjoying your newish job... (I know you've been at it awhile now).  I also heard that Brent's funeral was beautiful.  It seems the last year, more people close to me have died than ever before in my life.  One of the ladies I used to visit teach died last month, an elderly lady who I always spoke to at church and she always admired Jane.  She kept to herself a lot and I wasn't able to make the funeral because it was held right after Evie was born.  Then my regular delivery guy from Schlabach (the cabinetry company I sell for) died on one of his trips down to Florida of a heart attack.  It's strange that he is gone.  He was too young, with teenage kids.  He was the kindest man and so talkative and friendly.  A close neighbor and friend is giving birth soon to a child that will die.  The doctors know this because of several heart conditions but also ineligibility for surgery because the baby has Trisomy 18, of which most babies die right away if not in utero.  It particularly strikes me hard because Evie was just born so I can't imagine what she is going through.  It's supposed to be a hopeful and happy time.  So with all of this going on, of course I start to think of my own life and how to live better, and more for others.  If I had known these people would die soon, I think maybe I would have spent time a little more tenderly with them without being eager to rush on my way.

We are all well, we take life a day at a time.  Love you, wishing you the best fall season! 

Love, Andrea

3 weeks old

Evie is now three weeks old.  Time has flown by.  The first week was divided between 3 days at the hospital and the rest at home recovering.  The biggest thing keeping me down was the bladder catheter... so annoying to have to carry it around, sleep with it, shower with it, etc.  My mom gave me a shoulder bag to conceal the bag.  I don't recall doing anything worthwhile other than feed, feed, feed the baby and browse the internet.  Jane has really learned to play by herself, she's been amazing.  In fact, it happened on the day I went into labor.  She came to ask me to play and I told her I couldn't because I was hurting.  She played on her own the rest of the day and didn't ask me again until recently.  She's smart enough to know that mommy is busy with a new baby.  However, I am trying to play with her as often as I can.  Jeff took her to Disney on Ice just two days after Evie's birthday.  We didn't plan it that way, but I had bought the tickets thinking of a daddy/daughter outing before the baby came, and it worked out fine after too.  But my mom brought me home from the hospital instead of Jeff which was fine but it would have been nice to come home as a family... and to our own home.  Our living arrangement is great, but there are some things that are nice to do in a home of your own.  Recooperation might be one of those things, but I can't replace the positive aspect of having my mom readily available to occupy Jane or help me if I need it.

Jeff's mom came in on Saturday, October 11th to help out.  She didn't want to wait until early December, when we are having the baby blessing.  She's been great, allowing me to sleep in with the baby after rough nights, playing with Jane, helping me run errands, cooking dinners, cleaning the kitchen, teaching me to do crochet edging on a baby blanket, making goodies (gingersnaps and coconut chews).  She gave us a double stroller for a gift that has already come in handy.  She's helped me a ton and Evie doesn't even have any real issues.  She's a dream.  She sleeps well, eats well and is very laid back, not nearly as sensitive as Jane was.  On our errand days she would just sleep the whole time only waking up to eat then go back to sleep.  Her issue is fussiness at night, my best guess is due to gas or burps that she has difficulty passing.  So we bounce or pat her til she goes back to sleep.  When she has these issues she won't nurse, even when hungry.

My friends Josh and Jenny came on separate occasions to pay me a visit which was very nice, and Jane has been to one playdate with her friend Stella.  I didn't ask for anything from the Relief Society which I was proud of.  I would ask if I did need something, but I felt that I was fully prepared for the baby, with my mom being here to help and my mother in law coming into town.  Plus I had some freezer meals ready to go and I had backup playdates lined up.  The one thing I didn't think of, was not being able to drive but fortunately I was able to work out all of the crucial doctor's appointments with my mom and mother in law.

I've filled my days with rest and baby-time, rather than cross items off my to-do list.  Although I've had to keep track of a few jobs that are wrapping up punch items.  It will be interesting to see how having two will shape up from now on.  Today is my first day without my mother in law.  Guess it's time to get back to real life soon and start being productive.

It's a... GIRL!

I am surprised but not surprised.  I've always felt that I'm meant to have a trio of little girls.  I won't have complete confidence in my ability of discernment until I have a third, so that's why I picked up a few baby boy clothes in advance... just in case!  Plus this pregnancy was so different from Jane's.  This time, I was much more sick during the first trimester, had a lot more movement and indigestion the second trimester, and I was so so tired during the third trimester.  The baby's heart rate was always on the high side, and I didn't have any swelling this time and I'm pretty sure I was a lot larger around the middle with Jane.  Even Jeff agreed, "at risk of being put in the doghouse" he said.  "When have I ever put you in the doghouse?" I asked.  "Well, never I guess." he responded.  I'm pretty sure that's not true, because at I have mentally placed him in the doghouse at least once in our marriage.  However, I was probably way too sweet to him about it.  It's kinda difficult to be mean to that man.  He is always so sweet and loving to me during my bad moments so I try to do the same in return.

Anyway, back to our GIRL!  I've had a name picked out since right after Jane was born.  I came across the name Evie in the acknowledgements section of a book that I never even finished.  But I loved how simple it was.  I'm pretty straightforward about names.  I find one that I like and I fixate on it.  There was really no other name I considered, but lucky for me, Jeff liked it too.  Her middle name was up to him.  We agreed that if it was a boy he would choose the name and I'd do the middle name.  But a girl name... Jeff hadn't considered many of those although he did decide on a boy name (which we don't get to use this time).  So I came up with a last minute list of girl names that I thought would go nicely: Josephine, Rae (after my grandpa Val Ray Feller), Rose, Marie (Pack family name), Raychelle (combo of Ray and Shelley, Jeff's mom), Berit, Raine, Harriet.  Jeff didn't like Raychelle but he loved it when simplified to Rachelle.  I do have a friend with this middle name but that's the only other place I've heard it, but it is also an elegant name.  So, basically, we are hoping that Evie Rachelle Pack is a classy and unique but not-too-weird name.

Having a girl keeps life simple for me.  I don't have to purchase boy clothes and toys, the girls can play together and pass down their clothes.  I don't really need any baby supplies, other than a few things that were worn out after Jane or that I never bought the first time.  (This time I think I will invest in a nursing cover and a better sling, maybe some new clothes just for the fun of it.)

I am so thrilled that she has been such an excellent baby so far.  She is not as sensitive as Jane was, and has been a great sleeper and fair nurser.  Her eyes are just so captivating to me.  With her eyes closed, I could swear she looks exactly like Jane did, but those eyes open up and she's transformed.  How can eyes make such a big difference?  She's only a week old and those eyes tell a story, like she's an old soul.  I think I remember similar feelings when Jane was first born.  Newborns just have a sense of heaven I guess.  We are so glad she is here and safe and healthy.  It's still hard to believe she's ours.  After my recent miscarriage I have repressed some of the excitement that I had along with my first pregnancy, maybe a bit to protect myself, despite all of the signs that a healthy baby was on the way.  Perhaps Evie's gift to me in addition to herself is renewed hope and faith in the possibility of another child in our future, and permission to get excited about that next time.